


who i'm meant to be

by thewayofthemandalorian



Series: Season 2 oneshots [3]
Category: The Mandalorian (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Sex, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:54:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27544162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewayofthemandalorian/pseuds/thewayofthemandalorian
Summary: MAJOR SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 2.03 "Chapter Eleven: The Heiress"Din Djarin - your husband - has pulled away suddenly, leaving you filled with worry and doubt in your relationship. When you finally confront him, he tells you what has been weighing on his mind.
Relationships: Din Djarin/Reader
Series: Season 2 oneshots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2044465
Comments: 3
Kudos: 119





	who i'm meant to be

**Author's Note:**

> So this spoils a major part of the third episode of season 2, so carry on unless you have seen it.
> 
> Warnings: ANGST. Like so much angst. Implied/referenced sex, identity crisis. Spoilers for episode 2.03 “Chapter Eleven: The Heiress”.

Din had been quiet since he returned from helping the other Mandalorians a week or so ago. More so than usual. Reserved, skittish.

It wasn’t anything you weren’t relatively used to. You had known Din for going on a year and a half now, and at the beginning, he had been shy, reserved. But not like _this._ Never like this. He was going through something, you knew that much.

Part of you wanted to let him come to you. You wanted him to know that you would help him through whatever it was that had him so rattled.

_Was it the fact that he had a lead on the child and he was having second thoughts about bringing him?_

Din had told you when he returned to you, the Child and the Frog people - who were gearing up for parenthood - that the Mandalorian known as Bo-Katan had told him of a Jedi by the name of Ahsoka Tano. It was the first concrete lead you had in well over three months.

The _Razor Crest_ was in disarray, even after the man on Trask had “fixed” it. Even after you had returned to Tatooine to have Peli repair it properly, it was still not as it had been before.

That could be said about a lot of things.

You knew with complete certainty that you loved Din Djarin. You had since you first laid eyes on him. Well, maybe not that soon. But it wasn’t long after meeting him that you had first felt the tug of your heart, leading you to him. To his bed.

And in those early, unsure days, you knew with the same conviction that he loved you, too. How could he not, with the way that he touched you, the way he spoke to you, the way he did things for you?

But you were more sure in those early days that Din loved you than you were sure of it now.

It was hard to pinpoint what exactly had changed since he had returned from that Imperial ship with the other Mandalorians, but he was different with you. Different with the baby. And it was bothering you.

 _He didn’t love you anymore_.

It was the only plausible explanation you could think of.

For well over a week, you had only seen his face in the scarcest of moments. He had pulled back any and all affection, not even allowing a keldabe kiss as he returned from missions. It was odd. In the beginning, you could only kiss him in the dark, when he showed you with his body just how much he cared for you, memorizing his face with your fingers and lips instead of your eyes. Unconventional but completely _yours_.

When you had agreed to marry him about three months after first joining him in his bunk, there was no grand revelation when he took his helmet off for the first time so that you could see. He was Din Djarin. You were his and he was yours. You hadn’t needed to see his face to love him - loving him was one of the easiest things you had ever done.

And for a while, well over a year, you thought it was one of the easiest things he had ever done, too.

 _Did he regret it? Marrying you?_ True, your _riduurok_ had come quickly, but you had been so sure. _Din_ had been so sure. He was the one that had asked you to marry him.

Din had always been so eager to rip the helmet off when he returned to the _Crest_ following your marriage. So that you may shower his face in kisses and tend to any wounds he may have sustained. But recently, he only took his helmet off when he was in the ‘fresher, or after you had fallen asleep.

Tonight, though, you were going to stay awake long enough to speak to him. Not ambush. But gently ask him if something was wrong. Right now he was searching for co-ordinates to the planet where Ahsoka Tano was.

* * *

Usually Din was in charge of putting the child to bed, but the last week or so, it had become something you did by yourself.

“All right, bright eyes. Sleep well, my love,” you whispered as you eased the baby into his hammock above the cot you and Din shared. The baby blinked up at you sleepily, chirping quietly once or twice as if to say, “Where is father?”

You sighed. “I don’t know, sweetheart. He’s busy. But he’ll be here soon,” you said. The baby sighed, his eyes fluttering closed as you pulled a blanket up around him. You hated possibly lying to him. But Din always came to bed. Though he would never fully admit it, Din needed sleep. More than most, you would argue.

Busying yourself with menial end-of-day tasks, you thought over what you would say to Din when he finally came to bed. It was late. You were tired, you knew Din was probably exhausted. He was coming to bed later and later and getting up and leaving earlier and earlier with each passing day.

“Din, I was wondering, if you were okay,” you muttered to yourself as you picked up his spare cape, which you had had to hide from the child earlier that day. As much as you and Din loved that baby, he was busy. Frowning at the words you had chosen, you tried again, wanting to sound more supportive and less … intrusive, though you supposed you had every right as his wife to sound intrusive. It wasn’t intrusive if it was a genuine concern. “Din, I’m worried about you,” you said to yourself.

That was better. There was no easy way of broaching the subject. No one could casually walk up to their husband and say “I don’t think you love me anymore,” without repurcussions.

Placing Din’s spare cape at the end of the bed, you got ready for bed yourself. Din was up in the cockpit, trying to find any useful information on Corvus.

You thought back to right before you had picked up the Frog lady and her eggs - the eggs that were now her babies - Din had promised you, with an edge in his voice, that you and he were going to make great use of the bunk when you got back to the _Crest_ after returning from Mos Pelgo. Your skin had tingled with the unspoken promise. But that promise hadn’t been fulfilled. Not even after you and Din had reunited your passenger with her husband.

Tears pricked at your eyes as you thought of how _normal_ Din had been, even a week and a half ago compared to now.

_Had he really changed his heart and his mind about you that quickly?_

You yawned suddenly. It was rare for you to be awake this late. The baby’s snores filled the small compartment as you waited. Hopefully not too much longer.

Having just laid your head down on the pillow, you heard the bunk door open. Din would think you were asleep.

Checking that all the lights were off, Din gave one final look at the child to see that he was asleep. He reached out an ungloved hand and stroked his ear gently. The baby shifted slightly at the touch, but continued on sleeping.

Din never took long unclasping his armour. He had it down pat. Still, you missed being the one to remove it for him. Before Trask, you had always been the one to remove his armour at the end of the day. It was something you and he had both enjoyed.

As the hiss of the helmet coming off filled the room, mingling with the child’s even breathing, you knew that there was only a moment at most before he would climb in next to you.

“I know you’re awake, _cyare_.” See, he would continue to call you beautiful, his beloved. But there was no emotion in the words anymore, not like there had been.

Your eyes glazed over. “Yeah, I’m awake,” you said.

Din noticed the apprehension in your voice. He tampered down a sigh. He knew that you suspected something, he had seen the worried look in your eyes every day since leaving Trask. It was bothering him, too. He knew that you would look at him differently when you found out what he had about himself.

“What’s wrong?” he asked as he slipped into bed.

You chuckled ruefully. “I could ask you that question,” you said. “I’ve been worried about you.”

Din didn’t bother to hide his sigh this time. “I-I know you have been, _mesh’la_.”

It wasn’t as though you had been hiding your worry. Maker above, it was like pulling teeth with this man sometimes.

Licking your lips, you continued. “You’ve been acting … differently,” you decided to say. “More quiet than usual. Reserved.”

Din didn’t say anything.

“And I was wondering…”

Before you could finish your sentence, Din interrupted you. “Everything’s fine.” His voice was terse.

“No it’s not, Din!” you shouted. “For the past week and a half, I’ve barely seen you. You don’t _do_ anything except mope in that _kriffing_ cockpit. You are hardly with me or the baby and you aren’t…” you trail off, not wanting to say the next words.

Din prompted you. “I’m not what?” he asked.

“You’re not _affectionate_ with me anymore.” You heard Din sigh _again_. “Ever since Trask it’s like you’ve pulled away. You didn’t say anything about what happened on that Imperial ship with those other Mandalorians. Only that Moff Gideon was tracking the ship.”

Din knew he had to tell you. But he couldn’t. Not like this. Your words were like a punch to the gut. You were saying everything he knew he was guilty of doing.

Nothing could prepare him for your next words.

“Do you not love me anymore, Din? Is that what’s happened?”

 _How could you even say that, so much as think it_?

Din snapped. “It’s late. We can talk about this tomorrow.”

You yanked yourself from his hold on you. It was not a tender hold he had on you, but one of necessity. The bunk was so cramped, he needed to hold you close. “No. We’re talking about this now.” Your voice was firm. Resolute.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he said.

You scoffed, seeing right through him. “Right, there’s nothing to talk about, _Mando_.”

Din didn’t miss the way you had called him Mando instead of his actual name.

It made it easier for you. Calling him Din was too personal right now. If he was going to be impersonal, so were you.

You tried again after a moment of silence. “I just - I want to know what’s wrong, so I can help you. Whatever it is you’re dealing with, you don’t have to deal with it alone.”

Din was grateful for the dark so that you could not see the expression on his face as he spoke. “You can’t help me. No one can help me. I-I need you to leave.”

* * *

Din found you in the cockpit, your cheeks and eyes puffy and swollen with tears that were still streaming down your face. A sob racked through you.

 _He really didn’t love you anymore._

“ _Cyare_ ,” he said, his voice filled with remorse and guilt.

You turned in the seat to look at him. “ _Don’t_ call me that, Mando. Not after what you just said.”

You had a point, Din conceded. He hated seeing you like this, because of him. But he hated the thought of how you would look at him when you found out his secret.

 _A cult_. How had he not seen it before? Was he too indoctrinated? The covert had _saved_ him as a child. He couldn’t have you around that lifestyle. You were to _good_ to be involved in that.

“I’m sorry,” he said simply. He wasn’t sure exactly what he was apologizing for.

You gulped a shuddering breath, trying to even your voice. “Why do you want me to leave? I thought we were _happy_! I thought - I thought that we were in l-love!” you sobbed, a fresh swell of tears brimming at the surface.

 _We were. We are,_ Din thought.

“We _were_ happy mesh’la. We _are_ in love,” he said, reaching his hand out to take yours.

You were confused. “Th-then why are-are you s-s-sending me away?” you sobbed, covering your face with your free hand. “I love you, Din. D-don’t make me go. Whatever it is, I can help you through this.”

A choked sound reached your ears. You realized that you were not the only one who was crying.

Din exhaled a shuddering breath as he tried and failed to keep himself from crying himself. “I love you, _cyare_ ,” he said, his voice thick. “Never doubt that for _one fraction_ of a second that I don’t love you with every fibre of my being.” Relief poured through you at his reassurance.

He moved closer to you on his seat. “But when I tell you what I found out on Trask, you may not love me. And that frightens me more than anything.”

You hugged him then, refusing to let up as your tears dried. _He loved you_. _You loved him_. The only thing else that mattered was holding your husband in your arms, his occasional shuddering breaths the only sounds besides the low hum of the ship.

Trying to lighten the mood, you said, “We really need to get to Corellia one of these days so they can fix this ship properly.” Din let out a sound that was halfway between a sob and a laugh.

Pulling back slightly so that you could see his face, you stroked Din’s cheek, wiping away an errant tear. His dear face was filled with grief and insecurity. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have told you to leave.”

You kissed him for the first real time in over a week. It was lingering but soft. “Din, I’m not going to pretend to understand whatever it is has you so upset, but just know that you can tell me whatever it is has you so down. In your own time.”

Din nodded appreciatively. “You may not like it, _cyare_. But you deserve to know the truth.”

You stroked Din’s arm. “Whatever it is, you are my husband and I love you.”

“Thank the Maker for you, my love,” Din said shakily.

* * *

You and Din slept. Long and deep. Though Din had wanted to tell you what was weighing on him, you had insisted that you and he sleep it off and return to it the following day when you had both rested.

The sensation of Din’s fingers stroking your cheek roused you. As per usual in this small bunk, your limbs were tangled together.

Your eyes flitted open, taking in your husband. He had turned on a small light. The child was still sleeping. “Good morning,” you said sleepily, your eyes crusted with sleep and tears from the night before.

Din kissed you once. How you had missed the feeling of his lips against yours. “All right, _cyar’ika_. Let’s talk.”

You held his hand as he spoke. It was a long story, involving his childhood, the covert he had been raised in, and the Mandalorians he had seen on Trask. Most of it you had already known, having been told by Din shortly after meeting him.

“That woman - Bo-Katan - she told me that my covert … that the Death Watch…” Din paused.

You squeezed his hand. “It’s okay, Din. Take your time.”

He inhaled. “She told me that my sector was a religious sector - a cult, basically.”

Your eyes widened, but you said nothing, digesting what he had to say. If it was a lot for you to take in, you couldn’t even imagine how _Din_ had reacted when he first found out. 

“So, my entire life has been a lie. I thought I was upholding the creed of the Mandalore, but really I’ve just been perpetuating zealous bullshit that goes against the true ways of the Mandalore.” Din exhaled.

“Din, I - I don’t know what to say,” you said, your hand still in his.

You hadn’t reacted the way that Din expected you to, the way that he had reacted to it. You hadn’t recoiled away from him, wanting to run as far away from him as possible. Your face wasn’t one of horror or repulsion, but rather concern. Concern for the man that you loved.

“My whole life,” said Din, inhaling sharply. “Has been one _kriffing_ lie. The worst part of it is, I recently learned that the Death Watch ordered the attack on my village as a child. I don’t know who I _am_ anymore.”

Your heart dropped into your stomach. “This is why - why you wanted me to leave. Why you were distant this past while, isn’t it?”

Din simply nodded. “I didn’t want you to be involved with the zealous danger that is involved in the Death Watch. I’m so sorry, my love,” he said quietly.

You cupped his face in your hands, forcing him to look at you. “Din Djarin. You have _nothing_ to be sorry for. Do you hear me? You can’t be sorry for something you didn’t know. That doesn’t change how _kind_ you are. How loving and caring you are. That doesn’t change the way I feel about you. You have done the best you can with the worst situation anyone could have been given. I know exactly who you are.”

Din met your gaze. “Who am I?” he asked, unsure if he wanted to hear the answer.

You smiled softly at him. “You’re Din Djarin. My husband. That sweet child’s father. You help people and you care for them. You have more compassion than everyone else I’ve met combined. That doesn’t make you a bad person, love of my life.”

A few tears slipped down Din’s cheeks as you spoke. You hugged him close. “I love you, Din Djarin. And, if you like, I will help you. Just as you’ve helped me. It doesn’t matter to me where you come from. What matters to me is that you are a good person. _My_ person.” You stroked his sleep-tousled hair as he pressed a sloppy kiss to your neck. “Whatever you decide to do, I’m here.”

Din felt much more at ease than he had been for the past week as you held each other close. After setting the still-sleeping child in his (soundproof) pram gently, Din finally fulfilled that promise that he had made in Mos Pelgo he finally fulfilled that promise that he had made in Mos Pelgo of making good use of the bunk, slow and tender, showing you how much he loved and appreciated you with his body, he felt the uncertainty of who he truly was fully ebb away. You were right, of course.

Though he still had a lot to figure out, to work through, learn and unlearn, he knew that he wouldn’t have to figure it out alone., he knew that he wouldn’t have to figure it out alone. That you would help him through whatever it was he decided to do.


End file.
